An Amazing Mind

It’s raining. “Hey! That’s not fair! It’s not supposed to be raining! The weather forecasters said it won’t rain until Monday and now it’s raining and I’m stuck here and…”

Loads of people are letting the outside world control how they feel. They look to the weather, and to their friends, and to the news, to tell them how to feel. They get to feel miserable because the weather sucks. And because the economy is in trouble. And because there’s a traffic jam, because someone said something they disagree with, because politicians lied to them, because, because, because…

Stop!

Mark the words of a wise man:

The traffic doesn’t care.

There. It really doesn’t care if you scream your lungs off. And neither does the economy. Or the weather. So stop letting outside events control how you feel.

Psychoanalysts have thing concept called internal locus of control. It basically means letting stuff INSIDE you decide how you feel and what you do. As opposed to letting the outside world control your mood, actions and feeling of self worth. Having an external locus of control.

What motivates you?

Loads of people are motivated by outside things. They want more money, and a bigger house, another car. They want other people’s approval, they want to be better than other people…

And they want all of those things to achieve happiness. Aw, but they’re doing it all wrong! If they want happiness, then that’s what they should focus on! Just take the guy who works 60 hours a week at a stressful job… in order to achieve happiness!

What motivates you? Is it outside things? Blingy jewellery and a big car? Other people’s approval (or envy)?

Or is it happiness? A feeling of self-worth? A sense of purpose?

Don’t worry if a lot of what motivates you is external stuff. You’re literally bombarded every day by advertisements and news telling you to let outside thing control you. “Let a receding hairline motivate you to buy! Let other people’s envy motivate you to buy! Base your self-worth on how many blades there are on your razor!”

Just focus on moving your consistently moving your locus on control inside, rather than outside. Be motivated by inside things.

Here’s a story from Paul McKenna:

In one of my seminars a man did [an excercise to discover what his values are] and discovered that the most important thing in his world was money. When I asked him what having money would give him, he took some time to imagine himself having lots and lots of the stuff. When he opened his eyes, he said, “Having money will give me a feeling of security, and if I have money, people will respect me.” What was really important to him was security and respect - those were the states of being he was pursuing money to try to experience.

Can you see how this man’s locus of control shifted inwards? Instead of being focused on the exernal thing (money), he was now focused on feelings of security and respect. Now he just needs to discover that feeling respected comes from respecting oneself.

Who controls your self-image?

A couple of years back, I used to really enjoy listening to classical music (Mozart, Beethoven, Chopin etc.). So I did that, and I let others know that, and all was good. Lots of acquaintances knew me as “that tall guy who listens to classical music”.

And then, one day, I listened to some pop music. And I was like “Hey, that’s pretty good.” And then my next though was like “No, I can’t like pop, I like classical music!” - and I wouldn’t let myself to listen to pop. And I would meet some acquaintances, and they would go like “Hey, still listening to Mozart?” and I would go like “Yeah.”

And for several years, I would listen to classical music only, and whenever I would catch myself listening to something else and liking it I would think “No, I can’t like that! I like classical music and only classical music!” And when I would occasionally listen to a pop song, and someone would come along and go “Hey, what are you listening to?” I would go “Oh, that’s nothing… that’s just… I don’t know how… don’t really like it…”

Basically, I let other people’s opinion control my self-image. And it SUCKED (though I didn’t realize that at the time). I had a completely external locus of control. I actually let the label that I was “the classical music guy” dictate what music I would listen to!

That was before I did a lot of personal growth. Nowadays, I just listen to what I enjoy listening to. I still enjoy classical music, but I also enjoy some pop, and bits of techno, and a bunch of other stuff. And guess what. No one cares. No one says “Oh my god! I thought you were the classical music guy and now I hear you listening to The Ting Tings! From now on you’re my worst enemy and I hate you and I’ll go and tell everyone you’re a jerk and…”

So don’t let other people’s opinions of you control you. Because their opinions are just that - their opinions!

Here’s a story by Wayne Dyer, a highly successful author of self-improvement materials:

My little daughter came home from school one day. As she was talking about her day, one of the things she said was “Billy said he doesn’t like me.”
Now, instead of going “Alright! Let’s do something about that! Let’s figure out how to get Billy to like you…”, I said:
“Well, do YOU like you?”
“Yes, of course…”
“Then what does it matter what Billy thinks?”

Yeah, he goes on to say she wasn’t exactly happy with that kind of answer :).

But the point is clear. What YOU think of yourself is the only thing that matters. Yeah, I know, it hurts when others say something bad about you. I also get a twinge of bad feelings every time someone leaves a negative comment on my blog. But I quickly bounce back, because I realize that it’s just their opinion. I enjoy my own blogging, and that’s what matters.

Achieving internal locus of control

So how do you go about it?

1. Don’t try to control the uncontrollable

You don’t control the traffic. Or the weather. Or other people’s opinions. They’re not out there to spite you, or hinder you, or to have a good time annoying the hell out of you. They just are.

2. Take control of what you DO control

Another face of having external locus of control is letting outside things control you. Don’t just let the TV tell you what to wear, your friends tell you where to eat, the world tell you how to feel. You have your own opinions! You fully control your own preferences. You control your own actions.

You can also indirectly influence other things - by advertising your opinions. So you don’t control other people’s opinions, but you can still tell your friends that you think Firefox 3 is an awesome web browser, and they should try it. You don’t control their reaction. Maybe they’ll stick to using IE 6, like they have for the last 5 years. But at least you gave them a chance.

And finally…

3. Don’t take yourself too seriously

Adios, and have a good day! (If YOU decide to)