Why Acting Win/Win Rocks - Basics of Human Contact
August 3rd, 2008
Ever heard of the prisonner’s dilemma? (If you have, you can skip to the subheading “Merchant’s dilemma”)
This is the situation: You and an accomplice have been captured by the police for a robbery. The two of you are separated, and you have to decide if you should co-operate with the police.
If neither of you two confesses, you will both spend 2 years in prison, based on indirect evidence.
If you confess and your accomplice doesn’t, he will spend 10 years in prison, but your sentence will be reduced to 1 year for co-operating. And vice versa if he confesses and you don’t.
If you both confess, you will each spend 5 years in prison.
Looking at your options, you could reason like this; “If my accomplice doesn’t confess, I have two options. I can either confess, or not confess, and I’ll spend 1 year or 2 years in prison respectively. If my accomplice confesses, I can either confess or not confess, spending either 5 or 10 years in prison respectively. In either case, I’m always better off confessing.”
[Yay! I actually used a semi-colon :D]
Following this reasoning, you will confess. But if your accomplice follows the same reasoning, you will both spend 5 years in prison… whereas you could have both only spent 2 years there if neither of you confessed!
Merchant’s dilemma
Logicians have long argued about the best solution to the prisoner’s dilemma. And then one of them pointed out a serious deficit. The prisoner’s dilemma doesn’t really mirror most real-world situations accurately!
In real world, you don’t just make one big decision like that. You make lots of small ones, and your partners usually have some information on how you acted previously. The merchant’s dilemma was born.
The basic principle is very much the same. You are a merchant, you met this cool fat turkish dude with a huge beard, and you decided to do business together.
If you co-operate, you will each make 3 gold pieces. If you screw him over, you will make 5 gold pieces, and he will make none. Vice versa. And if you each try to screw over the other guy, you’ll only gain 1 gold each, because you’ll spend energy plotting your evil plans instead of doing business.
There’s a cool website that lets you try this as a simulation. If you want to try it, stop reading now, and come back afterwards.
The researchers ran this as a simulation. They created lots of merchants, each with different personalities, and let them trade with each other. The merchants would be divided in pairs, trade with each other for a couple of rounds, then they would switch pairs.
The personalities were:
- evil merchants that always tried to screw over their partners
- gullible merchants that always co-operated
- drunk merchants, who acted randomly
- “tit-for-tat” merchants. If their trading partner screwed them over, they would do the same to him next round. If he co-operated, they would do the same next round. If they had no information about their partner, they would assume he’s honest, and co-operate.
They ran the simulation… and tit-for-tat merchants won clear across the board!
Win/Win behavior
I wish I had found out about Win/Win behavior earlier in my life. It’s three buckets of awesome, and then some!
Win/Win behavior is where everybody involved gains. As opposed to Win/Lose behavior, where you gain at somebody else’s expense. (Or Lose/Win behavior, where somebody gains at your expense)
People who consistently behave Win/Win are a lot more happy and successful in life. Yeah, I know the stereotype is a big evil company ripping people off. But most big companies got big by providing real value to their customers.
Take Microsoft, for example. It wasn’t always an evil monopoly. At the beginning, they took a vertical market, where your vendor provided everything from hardware to software, and transformed it into a lateral market, where one vendor provides hardware, another provides the operating system, and yet others provide software. That made the market much more efficient. Cars are also assembled that way - one company makes tires, another makes engines, another makes seats, etc.
Or take google. They didn’t get successful by ripping people off. They got successful by providing the best search results (and the best e-mail, as far as I’m concerned).
The first step towards acting Win/Win is eliminating all your Win/Lose behavior. It’s hard at first, because of the force of habit. But you can get the hang of it.
Avoid Win/Lose behavior
There are some obvious Win/Lose behaviors, like robbing a bank. Or taking a baseball bat, smashing somebody else’s car’s window, unbraking his car, then pushing it off a cliff, so you can take his parking spot.
But most people don’t do such obvious Win/Lose behaviors. Usually it’s more subtle. Most people don’t even realize it when they’re acting Win/Lose.
Examples of Win/Lose behavior
Here are some common Win/Lose behaviors. Did I mention they’re subtle?
1. Complaining
Sure, it might feel good to complain about the weather, or the traffic, or a mean boss. You create a bond with the person you’re complaining with. But it’s Win/Lose, and I’ll explain why in a moment.
2. Criticizing
Whether you criticise someone to their face, or behind their back, it’s Win/Lose. With one exception. Constructive criticism.
Want to act Win/Win? don’t just criticise, offer a solution. Oh, and don’t overdo it.
3. Insulting
And many more.
Notice something? It often comes down to the emotional energy attached.
When you complain, you’re literally spreading waves of negativity around you. Trust me, most people don’t care to have more negativity in their life. Spread some positive energy instead, like enthusiasm or a smile.
Also about constructive criticism. It’s a Win/Win thing, and most mature people will appreciate it. But some people might take offense. They will feel their ego is threatened, and thus perceive it as a Win/Lose behavior. So if someone takes offence at constructive criticism, don’t offer them any more. They see it as Win/Lose.
Behavior that isn’t Win/Lose (though it might seem so)
Then there’s stuff that seems Win/Lose, but isn’t.
For example teasing each other with friends, or pranking. If you prank your friend, then the next day he pranks you, and you both have a great laugh about it, that’s Win/Win. Because you each got a lot of positive emotions.
Of course you need to be careful. We all probably know someone who thinks he’s just being fun and teasing, but crosses the line to being mean and hurtful. Don’t be that person.
Then there’s stuff that might seem Lose/Win, where you seemingly lose and someone else wins. Like when you sacrifice your time and energy to work for a charity. It’s actually Win/Win, because you get some emotional payoff that makes it worthwhile. Obviously, only you can decide what’s Win/Win for you in that way.
Watch out though. There’s also times where you accept Lose/Win deals because you can’t say no. Like in this conversation with a pretty coworker:
Her: Hey, can you go grab me a coke from the vending machine?
You: Ummm, ok.
Her: And can you then hop into your car, take the half-hour drive to my home, and get me my purse? I forgot to take it this morning.
You: Ummm… ok.
Her: And when you come back, can you bend over, I’ll put this saddle on your back, and drive you to the corner shop. I don’t feel like walking.
You: Errrrr….
Learn to say no to Lose/Win deals :). People will respect you more.
Another thing that seems like Win/Lose but isn’t is when society expects you to behave in some way. As I explained in my article Don’t take yourself too seriously, it’s ok to do crazy stuff, as long as you don’t invade other people’s space. Don’t go around jumping on random people’s backs seeing how long you can hold on (yes, some people do that. They call it urban rodeo.). But if others only think you’re a freak, that’s their problem. It’s not Win/Lose from you.
Lose/Lose vs. Win/Lose
In one study, British researchers took about 30 kids and assigned them in pairs. Then they gave each pair 10 pieces of candy. They told one of the kids to share out the candy between the pair of them however the kid wanted. Most kids shared the candy 10-0 or 9-1, in one case 8-2.
Then the researchers told the other kid it has a choice. Either both kids get to keep their candy, or neither does. Every single kid chose not to keep the candy.
The next day, the researchers did the experiment with the same kids again. But this time, most kids split the candy 5-5, and some 6-4. Everybody accepted.
It’s a part of human nature. If we’re presented with a Lose/Win choice where the other person gains a lot on us, we prefer to turn it into a Lose/Lose choice. I believe it’s an evolutionary characteristic. Whenever a human tries to screw over others, they punish him like this. That way people think twice before putting their own benefit above the benefit of the public.
Yet another reason to act Win/Win.
Are you more prone to Win/Win or Win/Lose?
Let’s do a quick thought experiment. Imagine you had a piece of paper, and you could write a short message on it. You would then leave the piece of paper in some public place, where somebody would eventually pick it up and read it. You would never meet the person.
What message would you leave?
(answer before reading on)
If you let a bunch of 10-year old kids do this, they would probably leave a message like “Fuck you, you stink!” and chuckle at the thought of somebody picking up that message.
If you let me do the exercise, I would probably leave something along the lines of “Have a beautiful day.”
Which one are you closer to? Just take it as an indication. If you’re closer to the latter, it means you are already fairly mature and on the right path. If you’re closer to the former, it means you’ve got lots of exciting personal growth right ahead of you! You’ll see great changes in the coming weeks.
How to act Win/Win
So how do you go about it?
Firstly, become aware of the difference between Win/Lose and Win/Win. Observe other people’s behavior, and your own, to get a feel for it.
Secondly, eliminate all Win/Lose behavior. This will hurt at first, I’ve been there. But once you get the hang of it (it might take weeks to eliminate all the small stuff), you’ll be like “Wow, I haven’t done a single Win/Lose thing in a whole week! I feel great!”
Thirdly, start injecting more Win/Win behavior in your life. A simple smile does wonders. You can also come up with your own ways for acting more Win/Win.
Enjoy your new Win/Win life. You will thank yourself.
August 3rd, 2008 at 15:55
great post Vlad, you always give me something to think about, a new challenge. I think my note would say ” hamsters wear purple socks ” or something silly like that.
thanks
August 3rd, 2008 at 20:03
yayyyyy I passed the test
I was closer to the second one 
August 3rd, 2008 at 22:44
This is absolutely spot on. I try to run my life as win/win not just because it’s more effective but it’s also much more fun.
August 4th, 2008 at 17:44
This has been one of your most interesting posts. Congratulations.
September 2nd, 2008 at 21:15
Then there is lose/lose more. The first person makes sure the second person loses more than they do.
Old joke (ethnicity removed to protect the poster): God comes to person X and tells him/her that God will give them whatever he/she wants. But God cautions them that God will gives their neighbor twice as much. The person thinks a bit and says, “Pluck out one of my eyes.”
Other example: merging traffic in Austin, Texas and Northern California, USA. In Austin, drivers will try to intimidate each other to get ahead; the traffic slows a lot at each Y intersection. In Northern California, drivers alternate and the traffic hardly slows, AKA the zipper.