I was sitting with two friends at a dinner table. The talk turned to body language, and how it affects your mood. I proposed a simple experiment, which the others accepted.
So I put that cheesy-ass American grin on my face. One of my friends put a frown on his face. And the third one simply behaved normally.
Over the next couple of minutes, the wildest thing happened. I started having the time of my life. I was joking around, laughing, enjoying myself. The friend with the frown became grumpy and pissed. He eventually left early.
The only downside for me was that after holding that cheesy American grin for about 15 minutes, my mouth kinda hurt. But I was laughing anyway.
Everybody knows your mental state affects the way you hold your body. An unhappy depressed person will slouch and look at the ground. But some people don’t realize the opposite is also true. It’s a feedback mechanism. Putting your a smile on your face will make you feel happier.
Good news! You can consciously change your body language. Which means you can indirectly change your mood too.
Lift Your Mood
Try the following experiment:
1. Think of a thought or situation that mildly worries you.
2. Notice your body language. (Slouched shoulders? Maybe a frown? Shallow breathing? Anything else?)
3. Stop right there! Pull your shoulders back. Lean back. Lift your head. Now take three deep slooo..o…oow breaths. One….. Twoo….. Threeee. Now put a huge teeth-flashing smile on your face.
4. Keeping this posture, think the same worrying thought as before. The chances are, it doesn’t seem so bad anymore. You simply can’t feel too worried if you’re holding your body confidently and grinning at the world.
5. Optionally, keep that grin on your face for 3 minutes. It will make your day.
The 80/20 rule
The 80/20 rule says you should focus on the 20% of your effort which generates 80% of the results. Body language falls squarely in that category. It’s very simple to change, yet it creates a dramatic difference in how you feel.
Change other people’s perception of you
Did you know that only 7% of what we communicate is words? 25% is voice tone and a whopping 68% is body language.
It makes sense that changing you body language vastly changes how others perceive you.
There are some things to do, and a couple of things to avoid.
Good body language to do:
1. Keep your legs shoulder-width apart when standing
Keeping you legs too close (like most people do) shows you don’t have much confidence. Keeping them too far apart is try-hard. That also communicates lack of inner confidence.
2. Hold your shoulders back
Stand up straight, holding your head high. Now pull your shoulders up around your neck, really tense. Now relax the shoulders, and let them fall in a comfortable relaxed position. That’s where you want to keep them.
3. Lift your chest
Stand with your legs shoulder-width apart. Imagine there’s a silver thread running from the front of your chest up into the sky. Now imagine that silver thread starts pulling your chest up. That’s what I mean.
4. Lean back
This applies mostly when sitting down. Leaning back communicates you’re cool and not needy. Just lean back comfortably and speak a bit louder.
5. Hold your head up high
This was a big one for me personally. I used to walk around looking at the ground. Nowadays I look at the scenery or look people in the eyes when walking. It’s amazing, but when you look up at the scenery and horizon, even a simple walk to the grocery store looks like a scene from a movie. Next time you walk somewhere, notice the buildings and the sky. See how that feels different from where you normally look.
Bad body language to avoid:
1. Slouching
This is a really bad one. Not only does it make you look weak and unconfident, it’s also bad for your health. It constricts your chest, making your breathing fast and shallow. That alone is enough to make you feel miserable.
2. Fidgeting
Moving the whole time is a sign of nervousness. Others can really feel it.
Read minds
When I first started learning about body language several years ago, I had no idea how the people I was talking to were feeling. I couldn’t tell if they were enjoying the conversation or were bored out of their minds.
Now I can tell exactly how the conversation is going by little nuances in the other person’s facial expression. Real mind reading to some people.
If you’re at a point in your life yourself where you have no clue about body language, that’s cool. We’ve all been there. Below I share some of the most basic and easily noticeable body language cues.
1. Folded arms
This universally means the person is being cold, defensive, and stand-offish. It’s why you often see bodyguards standing like this.
Let’s say you’re standing in a group of people. If someone has folded arms, chances are they’re not having fun. You might also see them looking around and if you look at their feet…
2. Feet
Feet are a great body language cue. It’s completely unconscious, but very obvious once you look for it. Look which direction the person’s feet are pointing. If they’re both pointed towards the rest of the group, they’re interested in the conversation.
If one of their feet is pointing towards the exit, it means they would rather be somewhere else. People also often point one of their feet at the person in the group they’re most interested in.
3. Eye contact / looking around
This one’s a little bit more subtle than the previous two, but still pretty easy to notice. If a person is looking around a lot, it means they’re looking for something more interesting. If, on the other hand, their eyes seem glued to the person they’re talking to, they find the person very interesting.
Changing you body language
You have enough information now to make some basic changes in your body language. Don’t worry if you don’t get it quite right.
It took me personally about a week until I figured out the natural confident state. During that first week, I held my chest too high and out, my shoulders too far back, I was leaning back too much. In short, I looked completely ridiculous for a week.
I figured a week of looking ridiculous was a small price to pay for subsequent years of good body language. And boy, was I ever right.
Another view of body language
To finish off, I’ll present you another school of thought about body language.
This school of thought believes changing your body language isn’t enough. Body language is, after all, just a representation of your inner state. You should instead notice your body language, figure out what that means about your inner state and then work on that.
For example, let’s say you find yourself fidgeting nervously. Instead of just making yourself stop in the moment, you would ask yourself what you’re feeling nervous about. Then you would go and do something about that.
Changing your body language is a quick fix. Taking care of the cause means you don’t need to worry about changing your body language. It will become naturally confident once you remove all inner game issues.
Whichever approach you adapt, good luck.
The smile thing really works, I’ve been doing it for some time now. Try it, it’s great !
For the rest, well, gonna try now and see how it goes ^^
Very interesting… I like it.
Don’t forget about free language learning software from http://www.valodas.com
wow this is amaziing! Thank you soo much for all of the tips..Im soo happy I found this blogg.
definitely something all of us “nerds”, “computers guys”, engineers”, what have you should learn. just like school, its so much easier and quicker to learn concepts that others have already found out, than to figure out on your own. The way I figure, pretty much all of us who read this are the nerdy introverted type … fake it until you make it. learning linux, learning how EFI works, learning assembly, C++, VisBasic, are just the same as learning how to work, deal, and interact with “normal” people. the same thing with eating healthy and working out. we all exercise our brains. we all should realize that exercising our social abilities (one could construe it to be the ability to consciously manipulate people) and to exercise our bodies is just as important. who wants to be the lonely genius who is in to much physical pain to move when they hit their ’40’s!
You said:
Did you know that only 7% of what we communicate is words? 25% is voice tone and a whopping 68% is body language.
Could you please tell me where this amazing statistic comes from?
I would particularly like to know how the figures were derived.
What sort of experiment would one use to differentiate between the various communication media?
What control methods to know that communication is being channeled through body language rather than voice tone?
I suspect that the figures are fabricated (which is not to say that they are incorrect)
Well, according to the statistics in a psyc class I took at Harvard, these statistics are very close. The exception being 80% of the visuals (body language).
Interesting. I’d be curious to see some actual clinical testing. Thanks for sharing.
http://www.golfnorwich.com/
This was taught to me by my mentor (Dr. Wallace Ellerbroek) clear back in the 70’s. He was a psychiatrist and master of reading body language. (Google him.) It’s also mentioned by James Branch Cabel in his book “Beyond Life”, published in 1919.
Absolutely great advice, and proven to be true. I use a lot of the same body language factors when teaching small classes to help me determine the pace of the lesson, and my approach to the students.
NEVER DO IT - as a result of a fake good mood eventually you will get a real depression……. DON’T play with the feelings that come from above…….
…from above what?! Don’t be silly.
pft, feelings don’t come from anywhere but your own head. life is so much more enjoyable when it’s yours and not left up to whatever “above” is!
Wikipedia FACS
FACS publication
Body language is pretty meaningless, however facial action is universal across cultures. In fact, your facial expression can influence your emotional state just as easily as your emotional state can influence your facial expression.
A good discussion of facial action is in Malcom Gladwell’s book “blink”. In it Paul Ekman discusses his development of the Facial Action Coding System (FACS) and his related research.
bah are ya for real. i know guys that smile and are nearly on the brink of ending their life. ya can never how someone is by just “reading their body language” so i deem this site a waste of time. just go get a hobby and stop complaining
I remember watching one time on ‘Reading Rainbow’ when i was 6 or 7 that smiling actually makes you happier, and I’ve been doing it ever since.
I really want to say that im extremely grateful to the poster of this… It’s always a very good reminder….. Thanks… This’ll make my day atleast “That” much better (Holds thumb and finger closely together), which is always good ^_^.
If you are in a bad mood, also try putting on a silly grin and doing a really silly movement (like pretend to walk in place while moving your arms like you are skiing). You will get an instant mood boost! Silly = good. Enjoy.
I feel this is really helpful information to have…I tend to be very intuitive, but my husband could learn a lot from this post!
I do find it ironic how many people shoot down psychological facts and theories which make perfect sense, yet readily believe anything, no matter how fantastical if it was written in the bible.
I think the more we learn about how our minds and bodies relate, the better off we all will be.
To the commenter who knew lots of guys who smile and yet are on the brink of apparent suicide…1. Misery is just as contagious and it appears to have affected you and 2. there are many people who smile only with their mouths and it never reaches their eyes. People who observe that fake smile are never convinced and neither is the persons mind or body.
Coincidentally,this topic was covered today on http://www.lovelifegodsexmoney.com
Something I find is that if I am leaning forward while doing anything - eating, on the computer, doin HW, driving, whatever - I get in a rush and stress a bit. When I lean back and put my shoulders down I am a lot more relaxed. This is also really true on AIM, I always lean back when talking on AIM
i figured some of this out a while ago, i keep telling people they can change their own attitudes and moods but no one believes me. i just tell them “i’ve done it, so i know!” i have to walk a mile and a half to and from campus everyday, i look at the scenery, i smile at passers by, and it has become my favorite daily routine.
This is all good stuff. Even Tony Robbins says the same thing. Kinda like a “fake it ’till you make it”. These techniques really work.
When I fold my arms I’m not being defensive or stand-offish, it’s usually a vain attempt at hiding my too large stomach that I’m embarrassed about. One shouldn’t assume that they can “read” someone’s mind or intentions simply by body language. Things are not always what they seem.
I really thank you for these tips
They really seem to work… I tried them just as I read your blog and I feel a lot calmer and a bit happier.
So I really thank you for helping people like me who have a bit difficulty with people who can be a real pain in the ass
Thank you very much, again. ^_^
True…A lot of people cross their arms for other reasons, it may be more comfortable. But I think reading someone’s body language must involve all of their motions, including eye contact, hand placement, posture, and not based on only one or two actions.
For example, if you’re crossing your arms to hide your “too large” stomach you could still have excellent posture, good eye contact, and talk with energy and enthusiasm. You should use all your observations in making a decision.
I’m not disagreeing with the general theme here, but I see that same sort of statistic rolled out by so many people its ridiculous - ‘68%’ of our communication is just body language, yeah right! Could you quote the research study where you found those exact figures documented please? If not then don’t just make up statistics like that, its disingenuous.
well said
Ah, I see that my point has already been covered, but let me offer corroboration. I also have a big belly, and while I’m pretty sure I am not crossing my arms to hide it, it cam be a decidedly comfortable way to hold your arms if you’re fat — just resting them on that big cushion. I do it all the time, including times when I am definitely receptive to what is going on — at a play, for instance.
I should add, though, that I do see other people put off or intimidated by my crossed arms. Whether that’s an apprehension of a universal body grammar or just reflects the popularity and influence of articles like this, I couldn’t tell you.
Finally, despite the above, I do agree — from my own experience — that smiling and other positive body stances really can improve mood. Skeptics should just try it. Especially the smiling, which is reinforced by the surprising number of people who smile back.
?????????
First: Thank you for a very good article - it is really helpful for us guys that really don’t think about such stuff..
Second: I’ve read that some of the comments say the thing you wrote:
Did you know that only 7% of what we communicate is words? 25% is voice tone and a whopping 68% is body language.
It is correct, but it needs to be reworded a bit. All the numbers you’ve written are correct.
What it means, is that in every normal conversation you have, you of course use words all the time. But what our brain weights most, when it has to get a meaning from the conversation is the body language, because just by looking on you body language, you brain automatically detects if you’re ironic about the subject, positive, negative, or what that else could be. The voice tone is very important as well in this process. Those numbers aren’t fabricated or “ridiculous” as Tobin Hunt says. It was just not expressed clear enough.
Thank you
- Nicolai K
You are what you think-positive affirmations in any form whether for the mind or the body can only be beneficial to a more enjoyable and successful life.
For you skeptics that are poking and prodding what you think is wrong try backing it up with your own proof or stay off this thread. Honestly do the skeptic work yourself and then come back. Have a good one.
Honestly I disagree, smiling is proven to put a drug through your body to make you energetic. It’s a primal instinct, like when a Lion snarls and shows his teeth his body then gives him the adrenalin or whatever it is he needs to fight.
This is entirely different then changing your mood. You could still be upset with whats around you or have a sever dislike of pizza at the moment, your simply more energetic and active.
If your drinking a soda and watching TV while your sick you might be distracted and feel less sick, but you haven’t been cured.
Thank you! What a great blog. There is one contribution: when your al not tall (like me, I’m 5,4) looking directly in the eyes of your counterpart makes you totally forget the difference in heigth.
To those who doubt some of the things listed here and mark them up as “Messing with something Above” and ridiculous, look up Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), and Derren Brown. You would be amazed to see what is possible my manipulating and reading body language. I have been researching NLP for years and have used it extensively.
Well, bravo for programming yourself Thaddius. Are you a computer yet?
While i understand and agree that it’s possible to affect your own mood, it does seem a bit incomplete somehow as a “philosophy” of life. Where does the “bad” mood come from and what is it trying to tell you about your life?
People like Derren Brown seem a bit weird to me, like there’s still something missing somehow. It all seems to be an exercise in “control”: controlling your mood, controlling yourself, controlling other people.
To me the emphasis should be more on freedom. Being able to lift your mood is not an end in itself, otherwise it would ok for us all to be grinning idiots sitting on our happy couches eating our happy meals while the happy world goes to shit.
However, personal progress is possible, and being able to lift your mood can help you to feel more capable to actually change yourself into what you want to be. Even so, I still don’t think it’s like some some secret scientific “switch” that the “initiated” are wise to. Life is much bigger than that, not just being “fitter, happier, more productive”….
Body language is never to be read by just 1 stance or twitch but by a combination of positions and motions. A bloke scratching his ear could just mean an itching ear. A bloke scratching his ear, then his nose, possibly followed by his arse on the other hand could mean he doesn’t like what he hears and that he thinks what is being said stinks.
thanx ill try this maybe i can figure some things out
I have noticed in the course of my life that I develop a strong dislike toward people who perpetually look angry. I’ve found that they’re not necessarily angry…maybe stressed or annoyed or whatever…but that continuous scowl (which most don’t know they have) puts me right off. I want nothing to do with those people. I hope I don’t come across that way myself.
As tempting as it is to change how I feel, I think it is more important to feel how I feel. To notice it wordlessly and process it until it passes. Less in control but less controlled as well.
What the hell is “American smile”?
Soldier Svejk, I applaud you wholeheartedly. Good for you!
HOW DO YOU DO… LANGUAGE
BODY LANGUAGE
This is the new language well so it seems. So everyone goes on about it, like it’s never existed, like they’ve been shown the holy grail of a secret understanding of human interpretation. We are born to recognise it. If we need a TV programme to highlight it we’re doing a pretty shity job at being human beings. Granted body language is succinct, subtle and underhanded at times, but if you’re concentrating on where someone is crossing their hands while talking to you, “because that means your being defensive bah blah blah.” You probably haven’t realised their conversely pissed off internation in the fact you’re pointing that shit out and not listening to a word they say.
…more at lifestyleguides.blogspot.com
wow, nice post
i never realized how important body language is
Nice
To the guy who said he crossed his arms to hide his “too large stomach”, that IS being defensive. Duh. So basically you just demonstrated that he’s right.
I found this interesting and perhaps useful, but i believe that it is foolish to go about smiling and acting happy all the time just because it makes you feel good. Maybe sometimes its better to just be honest with yourself and with others and admit that everything isn’t always just dandy. Programming yourself like that can potentially make you very two-dimensional, the true essence of life consists of multiple feelings; thats why we naturally feel them. However, being cognizant of you body language, and the ability to be appear relaxed and confident to others (and actually feel so) is a useful skill.
Want proof! get it for yourself! here is how. When in a group of people do this, stand with your arms crossed, shoulders down, legs close together. If they are reading you then they will take on the same posture. the most insecure people will follow first. don’t say a word, just let your body talk!
Which at the end puts you where you belong nevertheless, or maybe not, I call this infantility sorry
Awesome advice! Thanks for taking the time to help us all!
Its psychologically correct!
See the bit on the Facial Feedback Hypothesis…
http://bipolar.about.com/cs/humor/a/000802_smile.htm
There’s actually a really good book that explains this sort of thing in more detail, but it relates body language to business, and how to use it when dealing with people in a socially critical setting (meetings, interviews, etc)
The Definitive Book of Body Language by Allan and Barbara Pease
wow, that’s so cool!
Great blog on body language which is SO extremely powerful as a communication tool!
Here are two more techniques to try:
1. Tilt your head way up to the ceiling and smile. How do you feel? For some reason, Tony Robbins had me doing this simple exercise and no matter what my mood was…it was lifted just a bit from doing this.
2. No matter how you’re feeling, put it aside and smile at a complete stranger on the street or in his/her car while waiting at a red light. See them smile back and feel how this changes your mood.
Doc KC
http://www.DOCintheBiz.com
Ok I hope I can read the car sales person that I found at http://www.lotpro.com
Good luck reading your used car salesman…he’s been trained to project confidence and trust..and be assured he IS reading YOU, and will take full advantage of your body language so he can earn a living to pay his bills.
EVERYONE HAS MADE SOME INTERESTING POINTS HOWEVER I AGREE WITH THE COMMENTS REGARDING THE FACT THAT SKEPTICS NEED TO SIMPLY TRY IT FOR THEMSELVES.i SUFFER FROM ANXIETY DISORDER AND I CAN HONESTLY SAY THE SMILING ACTUALLY DOES LIFT MY MOOD. I’M GLAD FOR THIS BLOG THANK YOU
apologies to the disorder. Oh and Tony Robbins head, SERIOUSLY BODY LANGUAGE WON’T HELP YOU TWO. This whole feeling better thing with body language for you two is psychosomatic. REALITY NEEDS TO BE EMBRACED FOR ALL THE FLAWS YOU HAVE AND ALL THE FLAWS EVERYTHING ELSE HAS, ONLY THEN WILL YOU UNDERSTAND THE TRUE BEAUTY NOT SOME TAROT’ESQE READING GAME.
I don’t think slouching is bad as long as it’s in the right circumstance like a coffee house or a bar. Overall I do agree you can’t slouch at work or at an important event. You want to look confident and ready to go.
“I figured a week of looking ridiculous was a small price to pay for subsequent years of good body language. And boy, was I ever right.”
I love the way you’re willing to take risks to see if this stuff works. When it works for you, we know that there is at least one person that it works for, which is useful information for me at least.